How to Deal?
So, as a lot of people know, illness and disease tends to haunt me. Not directly, but the people I love. Well, it has struck again.
I found out today that my grandmother has cancer in her brain, breasts, and groin. I have no idea how to handle this, considering my usual way is to supress it, until it eats me up and I explode about 4 months after the incident. I can’t just shut down, so I am trying to focus on something a little less traumatic, like how much I hate SMPs new layout, or the fact that my PS2 hasn’t come in the mail yet.
I think the hardest part of this all is that I have to go back to a place that I have worked so hard to get away from. The mindset that getting close to someone just brings more heartache in the end. When Andy died, my whole life fell apart. It was extremely sudden, and obviously unexpected, and the fact that he was only 20 killed me. He was one of my best friends, and the best person I knew; so full of life. He saw the beauty in everything, and never took a day for granted. I know most people say things like that about someone after they die, but in this case, it is actually legit. He hated sleeping, because it took time away from really living.
This situation is obviously different. I have a chance to say goodbye, but how do you say that to somebody? How do you put into words everything you are feeling. I am scared shitless of it. I am terrified of going into that hospital room and seeing someone who has always been such a rock, so weak. That, however, is not what I am dreading the most. It’s the funeral that is eating me alive. She’s not even gone yet, and all I can think about is that stupid funeral. I have a tendency to be rather inappropriate in times of devestation because I don’t know how to act. I distance myself so I won’t hurt as much. It’s how it went with my dad, and I hope it doesn’t with my grandpa. I can’t see my grandpa in pain. I don’t know how to be strong for my family, when I can’t even deal with this myself.
I just don’t know what to do.
Speaking of inappropriateness, let’s hope this isn’t the case.
“When it’s time to die, let us not discover that we have never lived.”
—Henry David Thoreau
